PROCESS, PROGRESS, SPIDERS & DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
I'm reminded today that sometimes the process takes over and people lose sight of their progress.
*I was washing grapes in the kitchen sink when that came about.
Rinse, rinse, rinse, I was washing all the grime and bits off when a HUGE black spider came up out of the bunch I was holding and said 'MAMMA MIA!!' just a split second before my mouth went into an O shape and my eyebrows went into my hairline and I said 'FARK!'
Anyway, sometimes, diving in and having a good scrub in the name of moving forward, get the grape, the trophy, whatever -- or taking action steps to move forward means that a biggie comes up out of the closet.
Would you prefer that spider stayed in? Hell no.
It has to come up. So figure out what it's teaching you.
The spider is part of the process. That it came up at all means you are making progress.
If you didn't make the effort to wash the grapes it would still be hanging out there. Secretly making its webs in your meal.
It's a bit of a challenge from the Universe to make sure you really want what you want.
Do you still want those grapes?
Instead of grabbing the spider and holding it for days and screaming about being stuck in the process, remember the spiders greatest wish is to evacuate the area a screaming human is inhabiting. Carry it gently to a suitable location.
Love that spider. The fact that it showed up means it's leaving.
You're ok. In fact - you're better off than you thought you were. You are now spider free. That's progress. (And the spider is listening to the sweet music of the garden.)
The word 'cess' is sometimes used in front of the word 'pit' to describe a shit hole. A process can literally feel like this for a moment now and then. You don't want to stay in it though, so someone has to stop the screaming and STEP through it. There is a door, and GRESS means to step.
The spider is the proCESS.
Evacuate the spider.
Appreciate the proGRESS.
Have a grape.
Most importantly, forgive yourself for not knowing the spider was there. Who are you, David Attenborough? No? Right, so be kind. Sit still and say a silent (or a rowdy) thanks for the progress you have made so far.
And next time a spider comes up, rinse and repeat, thank the spider, love yourself, see the progress, have a grape.
ps. Need help with the process? That's my department.
pps. Dear David Attenborough, if you are reading this, thank you for being a living demonstration of love in action, you amazing human.
ppps. No spiders were harmed in the writing of this post. One showed up physically, was relocated and then used allegorically, I haven't yet had a chat with his/her agent about fees. (I'm not certain we speak the same language either.)
She loved everyone and just wanted to make things peaceful, so she went about the business of making sure everyone was comfortable. They all had a glass of water or a cup of tea and their clothes were cleaned, folded and put away. She drove them all over the place and waited up late to make sure they were home. She let them choose the movies and the TV channels because she wanted them to be happy and she went without to save up and buy that labelled pair of jeans they wanted and send them on the best trips.
She always made sure they had the best food and she ate the burnt sausage so they wouldn't have to and she was happy when they were happy.
When they weren't happy and they yelled at her she wondered what else she could do to make them happy and she did all sorts of other little thoughtful things to try to cheer them up. She kept them all afloat. The house was mostly tidy, but not perfect because she also worked. They yelled about silly things that really didn't mean much and they forgot to do nice things for her.
One day a woman called her a people-pleaser. It sounded like an insult. She worried about it. She felt, if she was honest with herself, that nobody cared much about her, but she tried not to focus on that. She didn't realise they didn't ask her what she wanted because she had never had an opinion, she was too busy making sure they were ok.
They didn't do anything for her because she always did everything. She wondered if they'd notice if she just went off and did her own thing for a day, and thought they probably wouldn't.
She listened all hours to friends and family going through tough times and offered many suggestions, support and connections to help them. She did everything for everyone, cake stalls, the lot and whenever she was feeling under the weather, she told no-one, painted on a bright smile and kept on keeping on and keeping it all together but she was lying to herself. Serenely sitting on the lake, paddling like hell underneath making sure that 'other people' couldn't see how hard she was trying.
She ran on empty and was spread so thin like a pancake. She could take care of everyone else but she didn't have time for herself and if she focused on something she wanted, she would quickly talk herself out of it with logic and conversations like 'I can't do that, it's selfish'.
She was almost impossible to spot. She was someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister..... and her own nobody.
The day finally came when she'd been taken for granted once too often - overlooked for the last time and the pancake blew up in everyone's faces. She threw the dinner in the kitchen and it went EVERYWHERE. And she didn't even clean it up.
It was inconvenient for them, they yelled and cried, one had a tantrum that lasted days - and it nearly swayed her.
She almost went back in the pan, her first thought was to apologise and make it 'right' but she realised she was only making it right for them, and that kind of right - when a person sells themselves out over and over and over again for other people - is not right at all.
She realised she had played a massive part in educating them to ignore her and so with the thought in mind that she was doing no favours to anyone if she allowed that education to continue - she went out to rediscover herself.
She switched off her waterfall of over-giving, became hard to get hold of. Checked her calls and screened them before she took them, and some she never got back to at all. She went to peaceful creative places, sculpting, book clubs, meditation and yoga. Her children had to learn to take the bus. They had to make their own lunches and wash their own clothes.
It killed nobody.
Everyone told her she had lost her marbles, and they didn't understand her anymore, but she felt like she was just finding them after years of being invisible. They called her selfish after her lifetime of eating burnt sausages and she was! It was a revelation.
She was Self-ish. Her Self was on its way back.
She had not realised how extensively she had sacrificed it on the altar of everyone else's needs and how far away it had travelled.
She learned to help them was her great joy, but their happiness was not her responsibility. It was up to them to make the most of everything. She actually needed to make sure they could manage to live in the real world where everything would not be done for them.
And she couldn't do that by continuing on the way she had - it made them entitled, demanding, incapable, thoughtless and frankly sometimes not very nice.
She had to step back in the name of love.
In order to show them how to take responsibility for their own well being, she had to take responsibility for hers, to fill her own love tank and be a living example of how to be self-sufficient and content.
She realised she was the answer to her own prayers, finally acknowledged her skills and her value - and her right to follow her own star and she started to glow.
Previous blog post: Being the Answer
OH GOD: When you write a searing piece of work at 6am and by 6:50 you slam the brakes on.
It’s an allegory, but it contains a lot of truth for a lot of people, and you wonder if 7 am on November the 13th 2018 is the day and time they asked to be activated. And you know damn well it is, and it’s not up to you to stop the flow of the Universe servicing their need.
You hope the ones who need it, get it, that it’s simply time to develop, not throw away everything they know. And OMG you’re a feeling person, you’re going to feel the annoyance of some of them.
Then you breathe... 💎 and share.
BEING THE ANSWER:
The overcompensation of one more woman occurred and she hid, as women do, in a half life of being the answer to everything a man wanted.
There was one problem (one that led to millions), he wasn’t feeling it.
She had started dating him and didn’t know herself and her power, and because she was terrified to look and learn about her own shining, to grow and understand herself... she went the way the other women in her family did: make yourself indispensable and then you’ll qualify as a tool for life.
She became a dispenser.
She dispensed advice, sandwiches, money, the fixing of all things tricky, of sex, of biscuits, and she manufactured a kind of satisfied joy that he acquiesced to her dispensing.
She managed to get him into ‘the box’.
He dutifully sat there, because you should be grateful to dispensers, they are tools for life.
The spark she was looking for was based on a moment of triumph, of getting him to agree and to pop himself in a handy box.
She slammed on the lid.
They agreed he could be the man and she could be the woman. They would ‘do’ love. ‘Commitment.’ He would perform the role of resigning himself to the life he saw all the men doing.
Extraordinary relationships are fairytales right? No one has that kind of love. ‘So this must be it’, he thought as he paced inside the tiny box, ‘and everyone is expecting it of me.’ People grow up, they get married. They settle down.
She knows she’s put him in the box, and she crows to herself inwardly. She made it and he’s hers.
She’s indispensable. A tool for life. She did all that to get him, now she’s got him and she’s going to have what she wanted and what they all modelled for her, an ordinary partnership.
She’ll forget about the part where she did everything she could to jam him in the box because that wasn’t really her, it was her fear. She was overcompensating and that’s going to stop now she has him in the box.
He is going to shift from a free man, to a trapped one as he realises what happened, slowly, as she stops being so excited about her coup and realises the thrill of getting what she wants is over. She starts resenting being a tool. She now feels used, but she put herself right there and he is not being grateful.
In man land there’s a story about women, and he decided to try it out. They say if you put twenty cents into a jar each time you have sex before you marry, and take one out after you marry, you’ll never empty that jar. I suspect that box is why.
He’s aware that she is angry and they travel along together, disconnected, with the walls of the box up between them, him looking for a way out: mates, booze, boating, withdrawing and no conversation and her, angry and unappreciated. She wards it all off with wine.
She’s angry now.
She has forgotten she jammed him in there. She’s a powerful (mostly unawakened) Goddess, but she’s powerfully looking away from how she can create in a way that is self loving.
The narrative of life is a funny-not-funny thing: The biggest lie for him is that if he follows the format, does what he is told, works hard, that it’s all going to work out.
The biggest lie for her is that if she gets the guy, she’ll be ok.
This narrative has been running for YEARS.
It’s an unspoken, completely manufactured ‘rule’.
He wants the whole world and she wants the box. He needs to go, hunt, and gather.
She wants him to stay in the box, it makes her smaller self feel safe - but it makes him feel trapped.
If she knew herself, she would never have bothered to try to get him in the box. She doesn’t need him there, she just thinks she does. Her frightened self was attracted to him, since she was young she’s been told there’s a man shortage and men are the answer to being safe.
Nothing about it is magical. She made herself into a tool so she could be the answer to him and then, as tools do, she wore out. Two answers don’t go together, you need a question and an answer.
Ask any tradesman what he does when a tool wears out and he’ll tell you he replaces it.
A Goddess isn’t a tool. Someone isn’t playing the game right, so frustrating, but it’s not him - it’s her. Being cast aside can be the most terrible and best time ever.
She’ll choose to blame him and say she was used - or she’ll remodel herself and step into her power.
Could she be truly honest with herself and be ok to know she jammed him in the box?
Could she admit that life made her think she had to act that way because it showed her thousands of models doing exactly that?
Now what? If she is actually honest about her part in being that dispenser, and takes responsibility, she can’t honestly donate the rest of her life to snivelling about what a rough deal she got when she manufactured it all instead of growing and trusting there was more.
It takes a massive amount of guts to self reflect, because she now knows she was hiding from something - herself, her life, possibility? Who knows.
She unpacks it. The baggage is like peeling away the layers of an onion, BUT, it gets sweeter and sweeter as she goes, until one day she will realise, she is no longer unpacking an onion, she is caressing the petals of a beautiful rose.
It could have all been so much easier if she started this without jamming a man into a box, but life come with lessons, doesn’t it? We are all meant to have them.
Trying to be ‘the answer’ brought her powerfully back to understanding she was actually the question and the knowing that she hadn’t yet unpacked her magic.
The Goddess waits to awaken - to her power, to love that honours her shining, and her extraordinary life.
Is it time for you to grow? Start here.
Previous post: The Lighthouse. A light workers inspiration to shine.
THE LIGHTHOUSE: A lightworkers inspiration to shine.
This beautiful Maori phrase (just found in my memories) fits: ‘Kia kaha, kia maia, kia manawanui.’
- Be strong, be brave, be steadfast.
This is for those of you who sometimes feel alone doing what you're doing, or who are moving through levels and stepping up into a new space...
All her life she had been hiding inside herself and nobody knew.
All her life she had wondered why the people around her that said they were her family, seemed foreign to her sometimes. People who were meant to be her teachers didn't understand her.
She felt fear and lack most of the time unless she escaped. She escaped best to the grass and the clouds and the trees and the sky. She escaped to the whisper, the silence, the roar, the bounty and the inexorability of nature. Nature knew her best. Nature was her home.
In nature, she wished for her wings to grow back and to lift her away from this place.
Sometimes she even wished for someone to steal her.
Then she grew up. She discovered that people had been stealing her all her life, and she had been letting them. She had no boundaries, and gave herself away, trying to please people and make the pain stop. It didn't stop.
In her confusion, she had thrown away good things and kept others that hurt. She tried to make amends. She did things for people, she gave away things, she gave away money. She waited and waited for a friend, or for a partner to see that she was real and worthy.
It didn't happen. People she loved left her and took things. And took her for granted. Her story was awful.
Until the day she started to say No.
No built a small boundary inside her first. No protected her from further pleasing of the others.
No helped her to please herself.
All this time she thought life was about giving and she realised she had starved herself by giving in the wrong order. She said No again and again and took her time doing things for herself.
The others were angry. They accused her of being selfish.
And she was. She withdrew the energy streams she had been sending out everywhere and she sent them into her heart where they belonged.
The others raged. She had pulled out their power lines, their plugs, and hooks. It hurt and almost drained her of courage.
She wavered a little, feeling bad for them, but listened to her heart and realised if she did not serve herself, they were going to suck her dry of all her goodness and she needed to survive. She no longer felt responsible for their happiness. Her shoulders grew lighter. Her heart grew full.
She was self-ish. There was no one left. But she was free.
It was incredibly liberating.
And then the flow started. At first, it was a trickle, little by little the people came, seeing she valued her Self, they acknowledged and responded to her value. She invested in herself by blessing the ones who were present before and who taught her to value herself, and the ones who understood came back.
She kept moving forward into an ever increasing stream of new people, new adventures, and wonder.
The flow of people coming to her became a deluge and she realised she was not only worthy - she had a purpose and the purpose was to free the others.
She discovered that all the self-doubting in the world was in fact, real selfishness because it caused light to be dim, and only held others back from their healing and growth.
She finally understood, she was birthed in love. No matter where she sprang from, how life shaped her, she chose to be here. She was not what had been 'done to her', she was an immaculate idea, divine in her inception, and so she shed the tight constraining bonds of the chrysalis that was her story, grew her wings and claimed the parts of herself that frightened others. She was creative, resourceful, wild, magical and amazing, no longer held back by thoughts of not-good-enough.
She had come to the planet to be a guide, a way shower, finally, she knew she was a lighthouse for others, to alert them, help them to safety and to hold a space for them to grow and blossom through their storms.
She accepted her mission and opening her arms as widely as they could go, she laughed and embraced it with all her heart, exultant in the recognition that her souls greatest journey was also her homecoming.
It wasn't meant to be a walk in the park. Lighthouses are made of strong stuff.
She stepped up. And stood, claimed her ground as solid rock and she shone.
And guide she did.
Previous post: loss-and-christmas.html
LOSS AND CHRISTMAS: Here it comes again and it can be a fraught time for those of you who have lost someone, so to my friends who are dealing with loss and grief, I wish you all an extra dose of love and peace, and want to say something to your hearts...
Your loved ones smile down on you.
They’re around you and as close as your thoughts. Please know you can speak to them and they can hear you. They know you love them, they do know you miss them. We can even learn to feel their presence. Some of you, I'm sure, already do.
They want you to do nice things for yourselves, to love and nurture yourselves and to see and delight in the tiny miracles that surround you daily.
They are richer for having been in your lives as you are from being in theirs.
They are safe, no matter what faith or creed has told you will happen to them upon passing, it all returns to golden light - even the ones that took things into their own hands.
Please do not carry guilt about how anyone passed, what more you could have done, the things you never said, and especially do not carry guilt if you ‘weren’t there in time’.
Guilt is a robber of joy. We cannot pass away if it is not our time, we actually get sent back.
Some people who need to pass, need to do so without others in the room and that's why when someone is passing, we don't get there on time. Or we pop out for coffee at what we may forever think was 'the wrong moment'. Our love and our life force hold them here, and when they need to leave, heart breaking as it is, they need less of that in the room to go.
I promise there is an order to these things, even if we humans cannot always see it. I know it feels hard. x
Please, this Christmas, try not to carry their loss as a scar on your heart.
Carry it as a sacred celebration of how incredibly lucky you were to journey together and, if you need to, write them a little letter telling them what you’ve loved about them and how you will nurture yourself going forward.
I got such a strong message to send this today (Chr 2017). James helped a distressed lady hang a commemorative card high up on a Christmas tree in a store in Taupo. We hugged her and held her for a while after. She was teary and said she missed her father every single day. I wanted to bring her home and let her rest.
I was far too teary feeling her heart and emotion to tell her this and I'm wishing I did, but she propelled this message for you and maybe you know someone who needs it. (I don't know who she was or I would send her this.)
You are absolutely loved. You are absolutely supported and appreciated. Thank you for everything you have done. It was enough.
Take some time somewhere to breathe and wrap your arms around yourself and sit for a few minutes.
You’ll get through, don't place any pressure on yourself to do much. We are sending much love.
Blessings and hugs,
Deb & James Rowley x
Previous Post: the-disappearing-self.html
Energy expert, Deb is also a spiritual teacher, healer, writer and artist.