Here is a little dabble with 'what we put up with' from negative people.
If people don't like you or if you have
a consistent experience that feels sharp, pointy or draining with a friend
- I give you permission – in case you are not - o relieve yourSelf temporarily of your good manners (just put them to one side) and take a
good hard look at a couple of things:
A. Why your 'friend' (and we could insert family member or partner here too)
feels the need to download on you or bring you down.
B. Why you are allowing it to happen.
Because here is what I have learned...
Someone once labelled me a 'people pleaser' and I felt it was a very negative
judgement. I worried about what was wrong with me and after I investigated myself, I realised the lady who called me that, was a negative person and was challenged by the fact that I liked people and people liked me.
She was a grumpy lady. Not to everyone. To me. All I was doing was making her a cup of tea - I wasn't deliberately trying to 'please' her. And nothing I did was going to please her - she wasn't WIRED for it.
Ejecting her from my field eased life immensely. I continued to do nice things for people - I am here to share kindness - and eventually realised that she had given me a gift.
My boundaries weren't strong enough and I was an over-giver.
Giving to a person whose hobbies include ungrateful fault finding is not necessarily helping them or you. I had the right to be who I was and she had the right to be who she was. If she wanted to be different or happy, that was her responsibility - not mine.
If she could label me - I would not label her, but I could certainly define her role in my life. Name calling isn’t nice, but definition gives you a platform to work from.
It was a relief for me to let her own her own grouchiness.
And I could step back from it. Maybe she might learn from it too, maybe not, but - and this is crucial here - her learning was not my responsibility or any of my business.
Neither was helping her and so stepping back without being unpleasant, was best for me.
In ejecting her from my field I had exercised my right to be selective over the
good manners I had, good manners which were causing me to believe that I should stick around while she was being awful. These were simply my programming and beliefs disempowering me.
Once I stood up and internally said “Hey Honey – that’s not my stuff” I discovered my
internal compass worked better. Another gift. The unpleasantness ceased to flow over me. See how this works?
And now, I can say thank you for her gift. It helped me discover a stronger part of me.
Are you doing your ‘duty’ sticking around with a consistently negative person, and blaming yourself, when you could just let them own it, deal with it – (or not) and be free to be yourself?
Or are you raining on someone else’s parade because of your own pain? Can you stop and investigate what your real issue is? There might be a good opportunity for growth in it.
Are you no longer a match for the friends around you?
People do leave your life. Sometimes letting go or stepping back necessary, but painful, - it doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it just means it’s time for you to broaden horizons and have different experiences.
Don’t cling, there is always a gift in letting go - it opens your arms to receive more.
And as you know when one door closes another door opens and it's true what they say "what other people think of me is none of my business."
If you are having trouble letting go or wanting to grow stronger boundaries in a painful space - I work with that. Email me for more info via the button below.
Deb Rowley, Energy Expert, Healer, Speaker & Coach