All her life she had been hiding inside herself and nobody knew.
All her life she had wondered why the people around her that said they were her family, seemed foreign to her sometimes. People who were meant to be her teachers didn't understand her.
She felt fear and lack most of the time, unless she escaped. She escaped best to the grass and the clouds and the trees and the sky. She escaped to the whisper, the silence, the roar, the bounty and the inexorability of nature. Nature knew her best. Nature was her home.
In nature, she wished for her wings to grow back and to lift her away from this place.
Sometimes she even wished for someone to steal her.
Then she grew up. At 37 years old she discovered that people had been stealing her all her life, and she had been letting them. She had no boundaries, and gave herself away, trying to please people and make the pain stop. It didn't stop.
In her confusion she had thrown away good things and kept others that hurt. She tried to make amends. She did things for people, she gave away things, she gave away money. She waited and waited for a friend, or for a partner to see that she was real and worthy.
It didn't happen. People she loved left her, and took things. And took her for granted. Her story was awful.
Until the day she started to say No.
No built a small boundary inside her first. No protected her from further pleasing of the others.
No helped her to please herself.
All this time she thought life was about giving and she realised she had starved herself by giving in the wrong order. She said No again and again and took her time doing things for herself.
The others were angry. They accused her of being selfish.
And she was. She withdrew the energy streams she had been sending out everywhere and she sent them into her heart where they belonged.
The others raged. She had pulled out their power lines, their plugs and hooks. It hurt and almost drained her of courage.
She wavered a little, feeling bad for them, but listened to her heart and realised if she did not serve herself, they were going to suck her dry of all her goodness and she needed to survive. She no longer felt responsible for their happiness. Her shoulders grew lighter. Her heart grew full.
She was self-ish. There was no one left. But she was free.
It was incredibly liberating.
And then the flow started. At first it was a trickle, little by little the people came, seeing she valued her Self, they acknowledged and responded to her value. She invested in herself by blessing the ones who were present before and who taught her to value herself, and the ones who understood came back.
She kept moving forward into an ever increasing stream of new people, new adventures and wonder.
The flow of people coming to her became a deluge and she realised she was not only worthy - she had a purpose and the purpose was to free the others.
She discovered that all the self doubting in the world was in fact, real selfishness because it caused light to be dim, and only held others back from their healing and growth.
She finally understood, she was birthed in love. No matter where she sprang from, how life shaped her, she chose to be here. She was not what had been 'done to her', she was an immaculate idea, divine in her inception, and so she shed the tight constraining bonds of the chrysalis that was her story, grew her wings and claimed the parts of herself that frightened others. She was creative, resourceful, wild, magical and amazing, no longer held back by thoughts of not-good-enough.
She had come to the planet to be a guide, a way shower, finally she knew she was a lighthouse for others, to alert them, help them to safety and to hold a space for them to grow and blossom through their storms.
She accepted her mission and opening her arms as widely as they could go, she laughed and embraced it with all her heart, exultant in the recognition that her souls greatest journey was also her homecoming.
It wasn't meant to be a walk in the park. Lighthouses are made of strong stuff.
She stepped up. And stood. Claimed her ground as solid rock and shone.
And guide she did.
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© Deb Rowley 2014
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